New Blog

Hey y'all.  Please bear with me with the changes on my blog while I change over to my own domain.  You can find all of my blogposts on my new site now.  I'm working on getting the layout/design moved over as well as getting my feed set up for the new site.  I'll let you know when everything gets set up, so please head over to the new blog.

For Mike

**Being a dad is more than just just helping provide life to a child.  Being a dad means being there for all of the firsts- the good and bad.  Being a dad means giving a part of your heart and soul to your child.  Mike is the epitome of a dad, and on this day (which understandably will be one of the hardest days ever for him) I, along with the rest of us, want to remind him that we are here for him.  Mike- Thank you for being an amazing dad to Maddie.  You are loved beyond belief and we are all here for you.  I love you**  

Taken from the Room704 girls:

Sometimes, the best we can do is share a person's experience and let them know we have their back. That while we may not how they feel, we recognize that there are days that are just going to suck beyond the telling of it.

So today we celebrate firsts. Just a very few of Maddie's firsts from the Spohr family flickr photostream:

First time being held by daddy

First time being held by mommy

Chillin' after the first bath

First Christmas

First Sunshine, First Car Ride

First nap when a totally embarrassing picture of Mike was taken

First Baseball Game

We celebrate all the joyous firsts with you, and stand guard over you for all the firsts to come. 

Maybe not remembering is her luxury.

I remember being little and my grandmother would let me drive her grey Buick from the stop sign to my house on the way home from school.  I remember her being weird but she was still my grandma.  She's "his" mom, and sure she was weird, but she was my grandma.  About a year ago, I was headed to work when I passed her house and I saw an ambulance outside.  I pulled over and got out as I saw them bringing her out on a stretcher from the yard.  She was the only one home at the time.

I told the paramedics that I was her granddaughter (and that I was able to give consent for her treatment) then they told me that she wasn't making sense when they asked her questions.   About a year before this, she was diagnosed with Parkinson's and early stages of dementia and sometimes she didn't make sense (especially when she was tired).  When I got in the back of the ambulance, she was more disoriented than normal, and so we sped to the hospital.  I couldn't get in touch with anyone else in the family (I even tried to call him) so I signed off for treatment and sat with her through the xrays and cat scans until my mom and he finally got there.  Her wrist was broken and because of the shakes from her Parkinson's they had to reset her wrist three times.  I helped to hold her down while they set her wrist, and in the process, she almost broke my own wrist. 

She yelled, cursed, and called everyone names.  After that, she was never the same.  He didn't want to take care of her, and I couldn't do it with going to school full time and working full time, so she was put into a nursing home.  Since then, she usually doesn't remember who I am when I walk in, but after a while, she starts to remember.  Today, she never knew who I was.  She knew I was my mom's daughter, but she only has memories of me as a baby.  It breaks my heart that I can't do more for her.  That she will never know me as a twenty-two year old.  She'll never know so many things.

I can't tell her that I miss who she was.  I can't tell her that I hate to see who she is now.  I can't tell her my secret and tell her that I'm angry at her because she did nothing.  I can't tell her that I'm angry that she didn't know.  I can't tell her that he doesn't deserve her.  I can't tell her any of that because she doesn't know who I am.  She doesn't remember that I came to see her even five minutes after I've left.  She doesn't know where she is, when it is, or who she is.  She doesn't remember anything, but I do.

A weekend at Cindy's

This weekend I wanted needed a mini-vacation so I asked Cindy if I could come and spend the weekend with her and her family in Raleigh.  After making plans, I set out for the three and half hour drive to come see her.  It was a little nerve racking because we had never met before (but seeing as how I did the same thing when I traveled to LA I'm ok with it) but it turned into a great weekend.

I was greeted by Dave and Catie and it took only about five minutes for Catie to decide that my lap was her favorite seat.

  The weekend was pretty low key which was GREAT for me.  We drank a lot of diet Coke, several cocktails (you can tell that we had several based on conversation on Saturday night, along with the call into blogtalkradio).

Catie had captured my heart.  From asking "Britty come here" to curling up in her bed with me so we could read books together, she stole my heart. 

When Sunday came and it was time for me to go, I thought my heart was going to break.  The only way that I even managed to leave was because I left while she was taking a nap.

My future twitterer is my precious little one, and hopefully come August, I'll be living no more than 10 minutes from her.  I have an apartment in mind and I'm looking for a job in the Cary or Raleigh area.  I'm hoping that by August, I'll be moving to NC and be able to see Catie, Cindy, and Dave whenever I'd like.

I'm also SUPER excited that Cindy will be at BlogHer as well so we can hang out again.  

Moments of Devin

The little girl cautiously peaks out of the closet, thinking that maybe for once she hid where her brother, Devin, couldn't find her. She doesn’t see anyone so she opens the door more, only to see her brother jump out from behind the door and scoop her into his arms.
“Gotcha!” he said playfully. “Now it’s time for my prize. TICKLE FIGHT!” The little girl looks up at her brother and starts to laugh.
“Don’t tickle me. You’ll win. It’s not fair,” she says in gasps as she is laughing so hard. Tears stream from her eyes, and she tries to kick to get free. Devin finally gives in and stops tickling her. “If I was bigger I could beat you,” Brittany defiantly says.
“Sure you could,” Devin sarcastically replies. “But you’ll always be my little shrimp!”
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The little girl chases after a soccer ball, her long blonde hair streaming behind her. She runs beside her brother as she tries to run faster than him and still control the ball.
“Try a running pass,” Devin says to her as he speeds up his running. “Get ready to pass.”
“I’m ready if you are,” Brittany quickly replies, as she kicks the ball directly into his path. Devin smoothly catches the ball and continues to run with it for a few strides before seamlessly switching directions.
“Get ready to trap it,” Devin calls out to Brittany who is already a few strides ahead of him preparing to trap the ball. The ball sails in the air and Brittany catches the ball instantly at her feet.
“I did it!” she excitedly calls out before running up to her brother to rejoice in finally completing a smooth trap and pass.
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The same little girl sits on the top bunk of the bunk-beds with tears silently rolling down her cheeks. Her big brother, the one who protected her from everything, was now in college. College, which was an hour and a half away! Brittany knew this would be the last time she saw her brother and the thought of losing her brother was too much to bear.
“Hey squirt. What’s wrong?” her brother asked as he climbed onto the bed beside her. “Why are you crying?” he softly asked as he scooped her into his arms, pulling her close to him and wrapping her into a big hug.
“Y…y….your in college now,” she managed to choke out through her tears. “I’ll never get to see you again. I’ll never be able to play soccer with you again, or have you read me stories before I go to bed.” The tears were falling steadily by now, and Devin just pulled her closer.
“I’m not gone for good,” he reassured his little sister. “You can come up here every weekend and we can play soccer, and you can call me every night and I’ll read you a story. And if you really miss me, then you can sleep in my bed. That way, it’s like you are with me.”
“I’ll sleep in your bed every night because I’ll always really miss you,” Brittany tearfully said. She paused a second, waiting to ask the question that was on the tip of her tongue. “Do you promise to come back from college?” she cautiously asks.
Devin, who can’t help but chuckle, smiles and says, “I promise. I will come back. You can’t get rid of me munchkin. You’re stuck with me.”
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She hates wearing a dress, but for this she doesn’t mind. Brittany sits quietly in the folding chair as she sees the speaker walk to the front of the stage.
“I know present to you, the graduating class of 1997!”
Brittany claps as hard as she can for her brother. The same brother that she once thought would never return from college, the brother whose bed she slept in many times, and the brother that she was so happy to see come home. As Devin walked from the stage he came up to her smiling.
“I told you I would come home,” he says laughing. Brittany doesn’t say anything as she hugs her brother as tears softly fall down her face. This time not tears of sadness, but tears of joy that her brother, a college graduate, is now coming home.

Wordless Wednesday posted a day late

Seems I can't remember what day it is exactly.  Ooops.  Enjoy anyways.

My sweet boys

I spent this weekend with some of the cutest kids in the world and it was a great excuse to take some pictures of the kids.  Posts with more than pictures to come soon.

More can be seen on my Flickr page.

Goldenrod Locks and creativity

I got a new camera (Cannon SX10IS) and I went to EdVenture to take some pictures of things around the museum and some of the summer campers.  The extended campers (well the boys at least) could have cared less about me taking pictures, but the girls loved it.  Kids are great for photographing because honestly- they don't worry about how they look and they just have fun.  That's my goal for BlogHer- to have fun and not worry about everything.  I'm taking a lesson from Lindsey and just having fun.  No matter what.

Wordless Wednesday

Eight weeks

Today marks eight weeks since Maddie past.  Today is going to e about honoring her.  I'm going to mention her to everyone today.  I'm going to spend my lunch at the river talking to her.  I'm going to wear purple to work and tell everyone why.  I'm going to honor Maddie, Mike, and Heather. Heather and Mike are my heroes and I wish I had the right words to send comfort, but I don't.  I don't know if anyone does.  So I'm going to say the only thing I can: 

Heather and Mike,

I love you.  I'm here and I am willing to do whatever I can to help.  I'm sending you love always and forever.  I am here and I am so amazed at y'all.  I love you.

I love Heather and Mike so much.  Maddie will forever and always be in my heart and my mind.  I love y'all.